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2005-02-03 * 1:07 p.m.

couldn't have been a wrong decision
ever since i booked on monday i've been doing SO MUCH BETTER. i am joking around again and just having fun. i enjoy being here now, get my work done and am really looking forward to the weekend. because i know i will see C in just a few days. so how could that decision have been wrong? even though on a list of pros and cons it would probably loose, just the fact that it feels SO GOOD to have made the decision proves to me that it's the right thing to do. how could anything that makes you happy be wrong?

so tomorrow i'm going to duesseldorf. i'm so excited about seeing pia and having the chance to talk to her in person again. she probably is my best friend and i haven't seen her in over two months. and we'll have time to talk, sleep in, go for a walk... do whatever we wanna do. then on sunday michi's gonna come and of course monday is rosenmontag and my birthday! i will be 28. man, that's really almost 30, isn't it. i don't feel like 28. but then again, how does one feel at 28? i guess i should know by monday. so that'll be PAATEY all day and i can't wait. it's gonna be fun, fun.. JAY!

i'll be back some time tuesday night. then three more days of work and friday night the get-together with my friends here for my birthday. and then i'm leaving on saturday. 6.55 a.m. from bremen to amsterdam with KLM. and then on to chicago. gosh -- i can't really believe that i'm actually gonna see C in like 9 DAYS. so awesome! and we really should know more this time by the time i have to leave again (trying hard not to think about it). he has this appointment where they do the tests (inject something in the disks and then do tests on an x-ray table to find out which one is causing the pain..) today. i just talked to him a few minutes ago and he sounds nervous - and tired and exhausted. he's only had two hours of sleep after getting back from work and of course he's nervous about the procedure but also about the results. and now all i can do is wait. which really sucks. i wish i could be there with him for this. but at least i know i will be soon..

i love him so much that him having pain and being nervous or sad or anything is almost causing be physical pain. i know it's crazy but that really is the way it is. i feel such a strong urge to just make everything better and okay for him, it's unbelieveable. i could deal with being the one in pain a lot better. seriously. well, he promised to give me a call as soon as he can because he knows i'm waiting. so hopefully by tonight i will know more. and until then i'm busy at work, which helps, kinda.. and i have stuff to do tonight as well as i'll be leaving from work tomorrow afternoon. i will try and update you but if i don't have the chance to, have a good weekend everybody ;o)