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2004-11-09 * 6:39 p.m.

back on the freak-track
remember this? we'll after being okay for quite a while now, it happened again last night. i don't think i had a bad dream like that for a while. maybe i just don't remember usually and just wake up not knowing why. i mean, i do still wake up pretty much every night at least once but i never remember dreaming bad. well, until last night right around 4 a.m. we were in some sort of cabin in the mountains with a few friends. C was there, too. i just remember kind of a cool and distanced atmosphere between us which was really hurting and bothering me. he kinda ignored me hanging out with the other guys. and there were steep canyons around the cabin. and then i saw pia (my best friend in duesseldorf) sitting on the edge of a cliff just daydreaming and enjoying the weather and everything. and then she falls. off the cliff. deep down. i remember running towards where she was laying and screaming and then i woke up. geeez - people, i'm telling you - no fun.

luckily i got a hold of C when i called and even though he only had a few minutes before he had to get back to work it was good to hear his voice. he was all like "you shouldn't dream there's a cool and distanced atmosphere between us." duh! i'll remember that the next time i dream something like that, sweetheart ;o) it was SO GOOD to hear his voice! and then he asked me if i have ever thought about seeing a therapist because maybe i'm not over loosing both my parents.. well, i'm certainly not "over" that and it's gonna take a long time i'm sure, but i don't know about therapy. i just can't be bothered right now. i really don't have the time. i just need C and work out our life together and i'll be fine. no more sleeping by myself. not healthy. 32 days to go.

i haven't booked a hotel yet. somehow it's a lot more expensive then last year. i got that 2,5* hotel close to o'hare for 30$ plus taxes and fees last year and now they won't even accept 40$ (that's how high i went with my bid on priceline) - wtf? i'm just gonna keep looking around and then i can always just book something on hotwire for 43$ if i really don't find anything. still have some time. not too much though ;o)

other than that - i'm still way too busy at work. i don't even have the time to really look for a hotel while i'm here (i know i'm supposed to be working at work, but i don't even get a lunch-break to do those things right now..) and i hardly manage to read your guys blogs. let alone updating mine.. guess the good thing is: time flies. and so will i now. home. it doesn't look like it's gonna stop raining any time soon so i might as well go now and get wet. see you all around - and sweet dreams.. ;o)