i just realized that with C not coming (yet) and me (maybe) going there again for a few weeks probably on partly unpaid vacation on top of 170 euro more rent from october on, i just can't spend more than i totally have to. which is money for the phone-company to switch the phoneline, blinds, shower-curtain, table & chairs for the kitchen, paint for the old place...leaving no money for fun. and realizing that didn't make me happy. plus - if i end up only living there for a few months i don't wanna have to pay to store my brandnew furniture. so moving and the new place becomes less fun every day and i almost regret making that decision. without C here and this not-knowing i could have lived in the small place for a while longer saving a lot of money.. but, shit happens and it's done now.

so after i dropped off luk in the afternoon i really didn't do a whole lot. i cleaned the place a little bit and sat on the couch until i had to get ready because we wanted to go out for a beer with a few people. but by the time i was ready to go i just didn't feel like being in that fancy, snobbish place we had planned on going to (i hadn't felt like it the whole time but i though that would change after taking a shower and stuff) so i decided to stay home instead. i called betti and she kinda didn't except it but started to question me about why i didn't wanna come. she told me she didn't want me to stay home by myself and tryed to find an alternative, more layed back place to go to. but i didn't wanna be the one changing the plans last minute plus i felt like not everybody would understand the reason "i feel ugly, don't have anything to wear and just don't feel good and don't think i wanna talk to anyone at all". but betti kept questioning me until...i broke down. i usually am a really good actor and when this happens i just tell people i have a headache or am tired or something and hang up the phone before i break down.. i guess this is all getting to me more than i think and i actually am almost like..hmm..depressed or actually more like just not in a great mood some times. especially on the weekends of course. 'cause that's when couple A is on a short-trip, couple B goes shopping and wants to have a quiet dvd-night and it's just family-time. weekends alone suck!

now, betti ended up talking me into coming and it was nice to be distracted. what would i do without my friends? and yesterday i just spent in the house pretty much all day watching "friends" which usually cheers me up. and then i got "out of africa" and watched that last night. C didn't call but he's on a trip with his friend M and i didn't expect to hear from him. he should be back today so hopefully he'll give me a call tonight. i'm gonna get boxes after work and start going through my stuff preparing to move. hopefully i will be able to on the 25th/26th. that would give me four days to paint the old place after work and it'd be nice to move on a weekend instead of a weekday after work.. so we'll see. as we will about pretty much everything in my life right now. nothing is for sure - it's all a big "we will see"..