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2004-08-30 * 3:43 p.m.

what's going on with and in my head, hm??
my WE turned out different to how originally planned. i worked friday until around seven and went home with a headache (probably from not drinking / eating enough while spending the whole f**king day in front of a monitor, which happens to me all the time). i then had a few friends over and a few glasses of wine because i decided the headache wasn't gonna get better anyhow (after two aspirin), so why not have fun with it. another two aspirin when i went to bed and another two around 8 in the morning before i went back to sleep with my air-france-plane-sleeping-googles from my last trip to see C - and i actually woke up with the headache gone a couple hours later. didn't last very long though. that always happens to me on the weekends. during the week i really don't have a headache.. jeesh - it's probably just the unconsious stress with C being sick and in pain so far away and me being here and not knowing what's gonna happen and what to do.. he was doing bad last night and that just kills me. seriously - that's worse for me than my own two-day-headache-odyssee.

well, i stayed home saturday night and went to a "hafenfest" with my sister and luk on sunday. you know, booths, rides 'n stuff at the port. it was okay. and it was good to get out 'cause otherwise i'd probably have spent another day in the house being depressed.. did i mention how i hate myself when i am like that? i do! but i just can't help it sometimes. i just feel like not even getting dressed all day. and that's so not me. it's cause ME NEEDS C!

do you guys think it'd be super-stupid to give up my (well paid) job (that i like) and my (new and really sweet) apartment and my (great and awesome and irreplaceable) friends and family and go to fort wayne if things are not better with C's back by - let's say - the end of the year? or just regular-stupid? or not stupid at all 'cause we'll be okay as long as we're together and i don't need a safe job and all the rest of it..?? i pretty much gave up hoping he'll be okay to come by november/december. especially since he's had such a bad weekend. so i will go and see him probably for thanksgiving. for how long, i don't know yet. and where we'll be spending xmas and new years? no clue. but i do know that i can't spend three weeks over the holidays with him again and then be apart for another year (or even month). i don't know if i've mentioned how much i MISS CHRIS!! or am i being a total crybaby here?

ps: bought a new rain-coat on saturday so at least i won't get wet on the bike in the rain any more. i'm all set for the crappy weather now. (sarcastic) JAY!