when we argue on the phone and end up hanging up being mad at each other it absolutely kills me. a lot of times that stuff happens because i'm being a bitch as a result of all the frustration. let's say he told me something i didn't like to hear (like him changing the date we'll be back together again) and after that we haven't talked for a few days. then he calls. as soon as i realize he's on the phone i'm the biggest bitch ever. Now he's ignoring the bitch trying to put me in a better mood making jokes and stuff and i'm just being an even bigger bitch. i want him to feel like everything is his fault.

then i wanna TALK about just everything that's bothering me and have A SOLUTION by the end of the conversation even though i know from the start there just is no solution at this point. i know it but i still make him talk about it. i make him feel like he's torturing me. he's still being nice trying to make me feel better.

but of course at some point he snaps. i mean i do expect him to enjoy talking to me on the phone but then i give him shit, put pressure on him, make him feel bad.. i don't wanna do that, but for some reason i keep doing it. so we end the conversation with something like "okay then i'll leave you alone." or "i need a break from talking on the phone" or "fine!" and hang up.

now that is when i start to freak out. after totally loosing it for about 5 minutes i usually call again. and when i can't get a hold of him i freak out. i start thinking that he's sick of me and the situation, that he's thinking about breaking up that very minute and when i think about the possibility of him breaking up, i just don't know what to do. i freak out even more. i can't eat (notice: this is ME, we're talking about not being able to eat..) or sleep or even think straight. i have the worst hours ever!

then he usually calls back ('cause i left a freak-message on his machine) and everything is just fine. there's not even the slightest possibility he'd wanna break up. what makes me think that? of course i'm the most important person to him. he loves me. he just went to the gym and to the library to do some emails. that was while i was freaking out!