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2004-07-08 * 1:35 p.m.

sometimes i just can't breathe
the whole "i wanna get outta here"-think is not over with yet. i still sometimes feel like i can't breathe at this job in this city or even this country. if i would switch of realism and reason i would get out of the contract for the new apartment, quit my job and hop on a plane to chris. but of course i won't do that. i don't have any money put aside, all my friends and family are here and i have a job that really is okay. so i won't. i talked to chris about this last night and he said he could totally imagine moving to duesseldorf some time next year. and i think that would be great. i know he's really not a big bremen-fan and i just hope he'll be okay here in germany and not be too homesick and regret leaving the states. and the change i need would probably be appeased by moving away within germany.

or maybe i just feel that way because i can't do this long-distance-thing any longer. of course it was tough the whole time but now i feel like i'm getting really close to the edge. and if something happens that would keep him from coming in september and i had to choose between breaking up, being away from him for much longer or giving up everything here and leaving germany and all my friends - i would leave. but then i know he wouldn't let me do that. he's told me so many times before, when i asked him if he'd be ready for me to come and want me to come, that he wouldn't let me because he knew that's not what i want at this point. and he is gonna come in september. all i need is a real date to count down to. i know it really is only nine more weeks or so which is nothing compared to two years. but as i said, it just gets so much harder every day..

so i hope he'll be ready to set a date and book a flight soon. and i'm sure once the summer starts in germany (i don't think i've mentioned the RAINY, CLOUDY, CRAPPY WEATHER IN BREMEN lately) and after my week with the girls in denmark things will look a lot better. i just know everything will work out. we belong together and i've really dealt with enough crap within the last 27 years so it's about time for some rest and peace for the two of us. we deserve it!