now - while i have so much to do at work i still try and find the time to surf the internet for nice appartements at the north-sea or down south in the "harz". remember two years ago when a whole bunch of us (14 or 15 as far as i remember) went to hohwacht at the east-sea for new years? well, it was fun and that's why we wanna do it again. just not at the same place - there was really nothing to do and one visit there is about enough ... but it's hard to find something to rent for less than a week (we only wanna go for 4-5 days) and for so many people ... but it'd be nice if we did. i have an offer for a house at the north-sea, but most of the people would rather go to the "harz" because there's more likely gonna be snow and it's hilly and stuff. so i guess we'll see what we can come up with. i'll keep searching (not like i had anything better to do ...)

what else? i'll go see "anger management" with daniel tonight and then sit luk tomorrow night. thursday is gym-day (yeah - i'm being a good girl about it now) and then friday is a holiday - and that means: long weekend. haven't decided if that's a good thing or not yet ... and i'm waiting for chris to make some sort of more detailed decision about coming than "in the beginning of november" in order not to loose it eventually ... but - old story .. all i can say is that i'm really, seriously, totally sick of being so far away from him. it's not normal neither healthy and i don't like it.

have you noticed, by the way, that my mom's suicide was more than a year ago? first "anniversary" was on september 15th and the service was on the 23rd 2002. i can't believe it's been a year already. up to this point i could always say things like "today, a year ago, i did this and that and my mom was still here." i might have even seen her that day a year ago ... and now - every day of the last year was part of the time "after". it's weird. and i wasn't doing all too bad around the anniversary. not good as well, but not horrible (like around easter, mother's day and all that crap). i still have up's and down's and sometimes it feels like it's never gonna end being like that. because it's just not normal. it's not normal that my kids won't get to know their grandma (or grandpa) and i have to live with the "my-mom-commited-suicide-mark" which i don't like. but i just have to. no choice really .. so i'll keep doing that ..

now - change of topic - i will go to the city now and try to find shoes. which for some reason really is not easy right now (stop laughing). i just don't find any shoes that i like for less than 100 euro. and i'm not going to pay that much for a pair of shoes. i'm not that weird (yet). so cross you fingers, wish me luck and take care now ;o)

XOXOXO

PS: hugs to marco, who's b-day it is today ;o)