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2002-10-20 * 6:31 p.m.
after nina's & marco's party
well, nina's and marco's party was yesterday. it was really good. and i felt so good, too. i mean i've really lost quite a few kilos over the last couple of months. so i was wearing a black knee-long skirt, a new shirt i had just bought yesterday and my knee-high boots ... i felt good ... ;o) nothing really exciting happened though. ralf was there and i hadn't seen him for almost a year because he was in oxford. so we talked for a while. alex (who i went to highscholl with) was there and a few other people i usually only see on parties and the rest was basically like all our parties. but that was the thing that felt so good. all my friends, music, punch, talking and dancing until 4 in the morning. just like nothing happened ... too bad that feeling usually doesn't last for a long time, because something happened five weeks ago and changed my life forever ...
i don't know why it all comes down at me now. i thought i was doing really good but the last ten days or so have really been pretty bad. i feel depressed some times and especially when i don't have anything to do i have tears in my eyes from one second to the next and i can't do anything about it. like yesterday when i took the tram back from the city i was sitting across from two really lovely older women. maybe around 65/70 or so. they were talking about their weekend-plans like meeting friends, seeing their family, kids and grandchildren and when i heard all that it crossed my mind that i would never see my mom being that age with grey hair jagging with a friend and talking about us and the rest of the family ...
i don't know how i'm supposed to sit down, concentrate and study when my thoughts always wander around my mom and the why and what-if's ... i suppose i will just have to get myself together and start. i really don't have that much time left but i almost feel like - so what, who cares ... i know that's stupid because i really want to get over with it and i can't wait to be done, but i don't think i can give studying the priority it should probably have right now ...
but you know:
"i'm a supergirl - and supergirls don't cry ..."