last night was fun. i went to see my brother and michi, originally in order to get the car for today, and i ended up staying there, having red-wine and playing a game with a few friends ... so i took the bus home and was in bed around 2:30am. but that was just what i needed. i was really kinda depressed yesterday. since i didn't do anything friday night and nothing really yesterday during the day ... i just can't do that. especially after all that happened. i feel okay when i have stuff to do but once i have time to think, it's horrible. i really miss my mom so much. in my head my life is divided in two times: before and after my mom commited suicide ... i just took a few empty glass-bottles to the container yesterday and i realized there were bottles that i bought and drank before it all happened. it's such a weird feeling. i can' t really explain it. it's just so not-real yet. i mean i just don't get it. my mom is dead and i won't be able to talk to her ever again ... how am i supposed to believe that. before i went to hamburg i saw her, gave her a kiss, we talked and laughed and when i got back she was dead already. i mean when i got home sunday night she was already dead in her appartement and i didn't find out 'til monday night. i talked to friends, went to work and went our on monday night while she was already dead. it's so horrible ... i don't know how to deal with it when i think about it too much. i don't think i'll ever really understand ...

and i miss chris so much! i need him here with me to hold me and just be there for me - but he's thousands of miles away ...

oh well, i'm sure i'll survive ............................................................